The Mistress and the Ho of the Rings
by Freakedoutmonkey
Summary: Did Frodo really throw the ring into Mount Doom? A new group of travelers have stumbled apon the ring. Appearances by all of the main characters and quite a few appearances from certain members of two ceartain pop punk bands.
1. Found

This is my first story on here. I hope you all like it. It's me and my best friend's attempt at humor. The acutal first chapter that we had written out was over forty notebook pages llong. So I seperated it into even smaller portions. This was only three and a half pages long. I will post more chapters on as soon as I seperate and type them.

**Chapter One: Found**

Over a hill came three horses. Two were salt and pepper colored. And the third was a pure snow white. All three horses were carrying a rider and a passenger each. One salt and pepper colored horse was carrying a middle aged looking man and a younger woman.

The man was a scraggly looking man with a close shaven beard and moustache. He had a well chiseled face. His shoulder length, medium brown hair was rather greasy and looked as if it hadn't seen water in months. His weapon that he carried unconcealed was a double bladed sword.

The passenger was a young looking woman approximately between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one. She had blue tinted black hair that was long in the front, but slanted upwards towards the back. The back of her hair was all messy looking and spiked out. She was wearing heavy black and purple make-up around the eyes with dark maroon lipstick. Her eyebrow was pierced, as was her lip two times, her nose, and many times in both ears. Her dress was a black crush velvet that was rather low cut and flowed down to her feet

On the second salt and pepper colored horse, there was also a man and a woman. The man was more of an elf like creature with long, waist-length, blonde hair and pointed ears. His outfit consisted of an emerald green cape and pants. He also had a forest green pullover shirt.

His passenger was a fairly blonde woman with glasses. Her hair was waist length and straight. It was a light blonde and the underneath layer was a light brown. She had a pierced eyebrow and pierced lip. Her dress was a black cotton dress and was rather tattered and torn at the bottom. She looked primly around the age of eighteen or nineteen.

The third horse, which was the pure snow white one, was carrying two men. The rider of the horse was an elderly looking man with a pure white beard and waist length hair. His pure snow white robes swept to the floor while walking.

His passenger was a man about the same age as the second female. He had an outfit which mimicked the elf's, except for color. His was a deep and midnight blue, rather than a forest and emerald green. His dirty blond hair was down to his shoulders.

Previously, all three passengers were passed out. But they started to come around and survey what surroundings they could. The fair blonde woman was the first one to come around.

"What the…"

The elven man turned around and silenced her.

"Shhh… We're almost there. About another five minutes."

She wrapped her arms around him tighter for her own feeling of security. She closed her eyes. She wanted to sleep again then wake up where she was before.

Now, the man and the other woman were coming around. The man did not care where he was, all he knew that it was exciting, so he kept quiet. But the woman did not seem to like it at all, for she started to scream, rather loudly, obscenities. The man, rather quickly, stopped his horse and got off. He picked up and took the woman off the horse as well. She didn't seem to like that too much

"Who in the bluest of fucking hell do you think you are? What the fuck am I doing here and why the fuck am I here? Can you tell me that, you fucking pop-tart _boi_?"

"May I ask, why are thee talking in a foreign language, ma'am? I am here to bring thee from one point, where we found thee, to another point, where we happen to be going."

"I'm talking English you fucking momo. I don't know what language you think I'm talking in, or better yet, what the hell kind of language are you talkin' in? In any case, who the hell are you, and why are you here, and why the fuck do you have me?"

"My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, ma lady."

"Hmmm… Such the gentleman, now aren't you? Well, the name's Roxanne. But everyone either calls me Rockie or Roxy."

"I think I like thy name of Rockie. It makesthy sound, how should I say, tougher."

Aragorn got upon his horse. He held his hand out to help Rocky up. She gracefully accepted the gesture and got upon the horse.

"So what are you trying to say? I'm not tough? I could kick that fucking blonde guy's ass in a second, dude."

"Legolas? I do not think so. He happens to be a three thousand year old elf…"

"Oh, so he's easily broken then?"

"Not quite. He's rather quite strong. He knows all of the mortal tricks and mortal fight tactics by now."

"I bet he wouldn't know what to do if I flashed him though, now would he?"

"What tis this 'flashing' thatthy speak of?"

"Never mind. You aren't as bright as I though you mother fucker."

"Also about the part ofthou name that I choose to call thee, no, I did not mean that either. All I meant was that it's a tougher name for people to knowledge."

"Oh, jeeze thanks. Yeah, make ME sound weak you fucker. How about I call you Murderbitch. That's a tough ass name for you, ya know!"

"That's not what I meant at all…"

Rockie and Aragorn continued to 'playfully' argue back and forth the whole way there.


	2. Chapter Two Intoductions

Chapter Two of the storyness. One word: teletubbies!

Meanwhile, the other two horses and the four people arrived at the destination, The Shire.

The elven man got off of his horse, and then he helped the woman off. The elder man got off his horse, but he left his passenger on the horse of get off by himself.

"Oh thanks you fuckers. Fuck you all." The blonde passenger stuck up his middle finger, and then got off the horse.

"Well, here we are. We are in The Shire now. Here the hobbits are aplenty and very hospitable." The elf turned to the elder man. The man nodded. "Maybe we should introduce ourselves. My name is Legolas Greenleaf. I am a three thousand year old elf."

"A damn fine one too," the woman mumbled to herself looking him over, from head to toe.

"This is the great white wizard, Gandalf The White."

"Yeah, Gandalf the white ass!" The blonde man remarked to himself. The woman elbowed him hard in the stomach.

"Ow! What the fuck dude?"

She looked at him with contempt and smiled, "It's not nice to make fun!"

Legolas looked at them both quizzically. "What did he say?"

"See, he didn't even hear me, so there!" The man stuck his tongue out at her very childishly.

The woman just rolled her eyes at him. "Whatever."

"Now that you have learned who we are, and the possibility that you have made inappropriate remarks about us, the new question is, who art thou?" Legolas said as he bowed.

The woman giggled. "SHAKESPEAR!!! In any case. The name's Jenny or Jen. And this asshole here is Tom."

"Well, Jenny, Tom, welcome to The Shire! I think you will rather enjoy it here. We do very much so."

"Hey, wait. There's something missing here…" Jen said scratching her head.

"Yes, your brain." Tom said sniggering.

"Oh, yes. I _know_ that. Ah, how I miss it so… "Jen paused to stare blankly at Tom, and then she continued.

"But it's not that. It's something that usually _isn't_ missing… Hmm…"

After she had spoken, Rockie and Aragorn came riding up on his horse, still "'playfully' arguing.

"Hey, if you're gonna call me a weak fucker, then I will be."

"I did not use those or words, nor for the fact, I am not saying that at all. All I'm saying is…"

This is Aragorn, yes it tis. Whom is his friend, is what I want to know." Legolas said looking at them inquisitively.

"This so happens to be my best friend, Rockie." Jen said.

"Actually, it's Roxanne." Rockie added. Although I do prefer Rockie, the fucking mofo here makes me sound weak. I'm never going to a bar with him. He'd fucking get people all up in my face for no shittin' reason. I can see it now. I really can." Rockie sighed.

"That's not what I was saying, m'lady." Aragorn started.

"What-the-fuck-ever." Rockie said rolling her eyes.

'What does this word 'fuck' mean? This 'Rockie' woman seems to use it quite often." Gandalf asked.

Rockie, Jen and Tom all burst out laughing at the same time.

"Are you fucking kidding me? That's hilarious. I'm not even going to bother explaining it. It's definitely not worth it. It's a lot worse than trying to argue about my name!" Rockie said almost choking. "Oh, but on a much more serious side, where the hell are we?"

"This is The Shire, home of the hobbits. My name is Legolas and this is Gandalf the White."

"Oh!!! This sounds like an infomercial. What are we selling today cap'n?" Rockie asked rather amused, but Legolas just looked confused. Rockie sighed at his lack of knowledge of current affairs.

Legolas, Aragorn, and Gandalf took their horses and started walking them and Jen, Rockie and Tom followed them.

It was a very weird sight for all three of the new frontiers. Many of the house were halfway underground and halfway above ground.

"This reminds me of two completely different things." Rockie said to Tom and Jen. "One, that age old question, 'is the glass half empty or half full?' and…"

All three of them looked at each other. Tom and Jen knew exactly what Rockie was thinking.

"TELETUBBIES!!!!!" They all yelled at once. Rockie and Jen started jumping up and down in a circle around Tom.

"What are 'teletubbies'?" Aragorn asked.

"Nothing you mother fucker!!!!" Rockie said to him and Jen and Tom laughed. Aragorn looked surprised and saddened all at the same time. Then he turned and continued onward.

They also noticed small creatures.

"Oooooo!! What are these?!?!" Jen asked unknowingly.

"I guess those are the hobbits. They said there are a plenty." Rockie said.

"No, those are flowers." Legolas commented.

"Oh. If they're not hobbits, then what ARE hobbits?" Jen asked.

Just then, they came around a corner and they saw midget-like creatures, except with hairy feet, and a rather science fiction looking creature.

Jen ran up to the sci-fi looking one.

"Are you a hobbit? If you are, you're hott!"

"JEN!!!!!!!!!!!" Tom yelled. Obviously he was jealous of that deformed looking creature.

"What?!?!?!" She walked back over to where Tom was.

"No, that's Gollum. He used to be a hobbit, but we are quite unsure of what he is now. We just call him Gollum. The other two beside him are hobbits." Legolas said.

"Yes. Those hobbits there are Sam and Pippin." Gandalf added. "Good evening Sam, Pippin, and Gollum. Do you mind if we come into your house for a cup of afternoon tea?"

Rockie and Jen looked hopeful.

"Not at all," mumbled Sam.

"Yah!!! We get to visit the Teletubbies house minus the actual Teletubbies. But hey, I'm not complaining." Rockie said as her and Jen started clapping with excitement.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf all tied their horses at a stake by the hobbit 'hut'. All three of them followed Sam, Pippin and Gollum into the house. Tom, Jen, and Rockie looked at each other and just shrugged their shoulders, then went inside themselves.


End file.
